Defending the Indefensible

This is how we do

[The judge sits sternly at the bench while the prosecution, led by Mr. DonStick, exudes an aura of uppity resolve.]

Mr. DonStick: Thank you, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we stand here today to expose the trickery perpetrated by Ms. Sally Smart. She manipulated her way into a high-paying position at Overcross Enterprises by fabricating her qualifications, betraying the trust of her employers and the public at large.

You have a unique opportunity to right these wrongs and have this deceitful dame serve as an example to all future job seekers who would dare not present themselves with the utmost integrity.

The penalty we seek for such flagrant disregard for transparency will safeguard the application process again. We demand full restitution for the wages paid under false pretenses and a public apology by the defendant.

[Mr. DonStick’s face turns red. His words drip with disdain for the defendant. Sally braces herself for the onslaught of accusations.]

Ms. LegalEase: Your Honor, esteemed members of the jury, we acknowledge that Ms. Smart may have embellished her qualifications, but her actions were driven by ambition and a desire to prove herself in a cutthroat selection environment.

She demonstrated her capabilities by passing a series of real-work tests and aptitude assessments. Otherwise, she never would have earned an audience with Overcross officials. She displayed in-depth knowledge of the industry and understood how to take Overcross to the next level. Short of this, her portfolio wouldn’t have warranted a second look, and that contract never would have had her signature.

Ultimately, Ms. Smart has been a revelation at Overcross Enterprises. During her brief tenure, her talents have increased the company’s monthly revenue and converted tens of qualified leads. She’s outperformed the job description and over-delivered the deliverables.

We ask the court to consider the broader context as it determines Ms. Smart’s fate. And may the juror who has never artificially enhanced an application throw the first stone.

[The tension in the courtroom palpably increases as Ms. LegalEase lays out her pointed remarks. Sally crosses her fingers under the desk, hoping against hope for a glimmer of understanding from the jury.]

Mr. DonStick: Your Honor, the prosecution calls Mr. Grump, CEO-in-training at Overcross Enterprises, to the stand.

Mr. Donstick: [chuckles] Overcross employees have unconventional job titles. Never let them know your next move, amirite?

[Mr. Grump takes the stand, his expression vengeful as he prepares to be all of Sally’s 99 problems.]

Mr. Grump: The position demands extensive experience in B2C/D2C digital product marketing, full ownership of marketing a digital product or company, and proficiency in various digital marketing channels like SEO, SEM, social media, and email marketing.

Additionally, it requires a strong background in analytical and statistics-focused marketing strategies.

Mr. Grump: We hold applicants to these high standards of previous performance to streamline our onboarding process, which has enabled us to consistently recruit the top .001% of talent globally.

Mr. Grump: She did not. While her experience in and outcomes for creating and polishing SME marketing copy was impressive, we needed someone who met all our very specific criteria to the T.

Ms. LegalEase: Mr. Grump, would you mind detailing this application process you speak so highly of? Try not to drool while you’re at it.

Judge: Check yourself, counsel.

Mr. Grump: We start by subjecting applicants to a Criteria Cognitive Aptitude Test to narrow the flood of applications we receive from every nook and cranny of the world.

Then, we test English proficiency. That may or may not change when technology catches up and allows us to communicate telepathically.

Next comes the real deal — proving your chops in real-world job assignments tailored to the specific role you’re after.

If you’re lucky enough to make it through this wringer, you get to sit down for a couple of interviews, where we figure out if you’re a good fit for the team.

You join our elite ranks once you’ve survived the gauntlet.

Mr. Grump: She did, but…

Mr. Grump: Overcross may be relatively new, but I’d refrain from referring to it as a fledgling company.

Mr. Grump: Smart is a talented actor. I’ll give her that. All she did was perform a well-written script. We weren’t hiring actors.

Mr. Grump: Let me dumb it down so we’re reading from the same page.

Con artists… right? They’re excellent actors. They can consume a script till it’s part of their being. They can then use that preparation to convince Taylor to let Travis go to the strip club. While they sleep. Still, you don’t see reputable marketing firms contracting their services. We value process over product.

Mr. Grump: Any such success is extremely rare, a fluke at worst, an anomaly at best.

Mr. Grump: They may neither know nor care, but we take it upon ourselves to abide by the highest standards. We do not associate with people who lie pathologically to gain an edge over more qualified applicants.

Mr. DonStick: Objection. Relevance.

Judge: Overruled. Quickly, LegalEase.

Mr. Grump: No need. I… Mr. JackOLa’s oversight is an exception to our best practices. He was cautioned accordingly and has not repeated his error.

Mr. Grump: If I had to say, I’d point to her foundational experiences from her previous tangentially related positions.

Mr. Grump: The vilification is due to her deceiving her way into a role she was underqualified for. Plain and simple. I ask the jury to focus on the matter in question and avoid being sidetracked by the defense’s antics.

Mr. DonStick: Objection, Your Honor! Profane and argumentative.

Ms. LegalEase: No further questions, Your Honor.

[As the trial progresses, tensions mount with each testimony. The prosecution paints Sally as a cunning manipulator, while the defense highlights her determination, ingenuity, and success at Overcross.]

[Everyone seems right. Everyone seems wrong.]

Judge: Very well. Members of the jury, you’ve heard the arguments presented today. It is now time for deliberation.

[The jury retires to deliberate, their faces etched with uncertainty. Sally clasps her hands together in silent prayer, her life, career, and reputation hanging in the balance.]

[Mr. Grump and his legal team look smug — they’re used to getting what they want.]

[After what feels like an eternity (because it is), the jury returns with their verdict.]

Judge: Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

Jury Foreperson: We have, Your Honor. We find the defendant, Sally Smart, not guilty of the charges brought against her. She doesn’t owe Overcross’ overlords shit. If anything, Mr. Grump might do well to arrange his company’s settling of Ms. Smart’s legal fees.

Judge: Aren’t I glad that hot mess of a trial is over?! Court adjourned!

[Sally is met with a pleasant surprise outside the courtroom.]

[Standing in the hallway, impeccably dressed in a sharp three-piece, is Mr. Sterling, the (actual) CEO of Overcross’ rival company, Leedly. A knowing smile plays at the corners of his lips.]

Sally Smart: It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Sterling. What brings you into the halls of justice?

Mr. Sterling: The pleasure is all mine. I’ve been following your case closely, and I must say, I’m impressed by your tenacity and resourcefulness in the face of adversity.

Sally Smart: Thank you, sir. It’s been quite the rollercoaster, but mama didn’t raise no bitch.

Mr. Sterling: Coincidentally, Leedly has been looking for no-bitches. Ones with your particular set of skills and some insider knowledge of you-know-who’s processes get priority access. Would it be too much trouble for you to join us?

Sally Smart: This is the honor of a lifetime, Mr. Sterling. I’d be happy to consider your offer.

Mr. Sterling: Let’s discuss the details over lunch. My treat.

Sally Smart: Lunch sounds great. Needless trials sure do take a lot out of a girl.